There have been many great deeds, great writings, songs, and more that remain unheard. This blog is likely to be on the low side of page view statistics. But that doesn’t matter. This is for me, not you.
Looking back over the last few years into my past, I see patterns of change. I’ve seen myself grow, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve fallen, and I’ve gotten back up. I’ve made few friends, and seem to have lost many. It astounds me how you can be so close to somebody, and then a year later you barely know them. Sometimes they are replaced by someone different, possibly better, and other times an empty void remains inside of you that time doesn’t seem to heal. When I believe that our love is not a ghost, I turn to hope. But is it too late to go back down that road? Children growing up watching TV and observing their family (if their family is together) create this image of “true love” and “happily ever after”. That no matter what, one day you’ll find prince charming and everything will be perfect. Well that may have happened to Cinderella, but I don’t believe it happens to everybody. There are some who have learned to be alone. I have spent many years isolated and alone, sometimes by my choice, but mostly it’s the cards that life’s dealt me. I have tried different relationships but I always tend to ruin it for unknown reasons. They leave me or they fade. Goodbye is a hard word to say when you have a void inside your heart. It’s hard to watch somebody you love walk away, but maybe, true love is letting them go, turning, and walking away to your home where you will sleep, or try to sleep, alone.
When there’s an emptiness inside of a person, they are in great pain until it is filled once again. But when you gave so much of yourself to a person, what could possibly fill that void? Alcohol? Xanax? Heroin? All true. All will fill that void for you and make you forget your problems for a few hours and then BAM! You’re right back where you started, if not lower, with a voided heart once again. I believe sometimes I am too eager to give my heart away. But it is my heart. Not anyone else’s. I need to start looking at myself, set goals for who I want to be, and learn to love myself for who I am, and be content with just me. Maybe one day my princess will waltz right up to me, but as for now, I am not afraid to keep on living and I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
Past is prologue. Every day is a blank page for you to start over and write the chapters of your life. What happened in your past is the past. Leave it there. Start anew.
Enough rambling for tonight. I will write more hopefully when my blood is half alcohol.
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