Letting You Go

Last night happiness was teasing me
Tonight she is cheating on me
Leaving me alone in bed with my thoughts
Watching the glass of whiskey drop
But I won't stop, take another shot
Why did you just hurt my feelings when you could have killed them?
The cards that I was dealt left me feeling sorry for myself
And now I'm a self-taught professional at being alone
Define love? Ha I couldn't even fathom
But Ive  learned depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
It's a body that is trying to survive with a mind that is trying to die!
Sleep just isn't sleep anymore, it's a medicated escape
The worst part is waking up in the morning and remembering what you were trying to forget last night
It's sickening how sick and in love I am with you
One step past being lonely is being forgotten by someone you can't forget
Even when you give it your best through every test
See I welcomed my demons into my home, just so I wouldn't feel so alone
Is it normal to hate yourself this much?
But in a strange way, I have fallen in love with my depression
Because pain is better than nothing
But she's my relapse, my highest high, my favorite fix
China White wouldn't compare to this
All this anguish and pain I've come to realize
Was caused by me not by you!
My mind is my calamity...and you are my sanity
You're the beating in my chest, you will always be my princess
The only thing I've ever wanted was to just simply love you
When I'm on my deathbed if you were by my side
Tell me you love me...even if you're lying
Cause that's all I ever wanted to hear
I hope I cross your mind once in a while just so that I don't feel so pathetic for thinking of you all the fucking time!
If I let you go...would you come back all on your own?
I hate so much feeling like I'm just annoying you...not loving you
Now I go through phases of hating me, self-medicating me
The love that you can't have will last the longest
It will feel the strongest, and it will hurt the most
I'm so used to being alone now that when I'm not, I wanna be again!
I can't stand crowds with the music too loud 
And when you force me to go out
You'll find me drinking in the corner alone
Glancing at no notifications on my phone
When you stopped answering my calls, or talking to me at all
I went back to her to take you place
Her name is loneliness and I've come to her as well as I know you
She was there when you never were!
She's there when I wake up, lying next to me smiling
The first thing I see like the window's sun shining
She's there throughout the day taking every chance she can to touch me and remind me that she's there
And that she cares
But she replaced my prayers with despair
This love will either be my destiny or be the death of me
You will change your mind someday, or mine will slowly decay
Those who say that they're a lover not a fighter never had to fight for love
But I guess sometimes love just isn't enough
This depression just leads me to this artistic expression
A projection of my mind revealing my recession
Descending into this self-created oppression
Because I won't learn from any lesson
That heaven's been trying to teach me since I was eleven.
Darling, can't you see I'd rather be hurt by you than be loved by someone else
But deep inside I know I...I'm not the one you want
I'll only leet you down
And I'm finally starting to catch on
You can hear this and say that I'm just feeling sorry for myself
Pick up the pen  and pad off the dusty shelf
Can't you see I'm writing because I now see I need help
Now a tattooed felon here, doing 7 years
Another tally mark on the wall
As I try and try, giving my all
Never regret, no, at least I learned how to love
I just hope that I'm remembered ...because you will be...forever
Like that day in December, I will always remember
That wicked plane ticket, I won't see you for a minute
Goodbye, my darling
I remember 2,641 days ago
Our lips, they locked and we cast away the key
Now there's demons making a casket out of me
Sometimes I forget that even angels carry knives
But stab me all you would like, I wouldn't try to stop you!

Because feeling this pain is better than feeling nothing

I’m wishing your memory would fade like this smoke I blow away

And at the same time you were the cigarette

I would light you up, let you swing from my lips

And breathe you deep inside and finally feel a little more alright

I swore for better or for worse

I’ve only glimpsed at the better but my love is here forever

Even if we’re not together

If this is the last word, on the last page, of the last chapter, in the last book of our fantasy romance

Leaving without even saying goodbye

I still can never forget that angelic smile

So thank you for letting me be apart of your journey

Thank you for showing me love in ways no one else could have

Thank you for letting me be a part of a chapter in your life

Thank you for being you

And I just miss my best friend

I first knew that I truly loved you when I started making excuses for the ways that you hurt me

Why is it so hard?

So hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember

I’m just pathetically in love

I always thought we’d be the greatest story I’d ever tell

Now I’ll just always be here miserably and silently loving you

Dear heartache, we meet again my oh, so familiar friend

You’ve come to know me better than I know myself

Mirror, mirror on the wall

She’s the fairest of them all

And now I’m embarrassed that I made that stupid call

And ruined it all!

Unanswered text after text made me feel like a vexatious stalker

I thought I could be stronger

Every time I try to take shelter from the rain

My heart trumps my brain

And now I’m beginning to think I’m insane

I’m so far from perfect

But your perfection changed my perceived reflection

Why do I still know your number?

Why do I still see your eye’s color?

I can’t just simply find somebody else like you

You don’t get that lucky twice!

When we parted ways and said our goodbyes without saying goodbye

It all feels like a lie when I look up to the sky

You’re the only one that can keep me alive tonight

Without you I’m just a sad song

Would you even have the guts to say goodbye

Or will your mirage just slowly fade away into the dark sky

I know I’m quite the joke to you

But it wasn’t a joke when you kissed me in the park and said I love you too!

I’ve been up all night again till the sound of the birds

And I’m running out of words

Love’s power is in its never-ending mystery

Love is our grace. Love is our downfall.

Love is our life…and love is our death.

Tales of a Misfit

There have been many great deeds, great writings, songs, and more that remain unheard. This blog is likely to be on the low side of page view statistics. But that doesn’t matter. This is for me, not you.

Looking back over the last few years into my past, I see patterns of change. I’ve seen myself grow, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve fallen, and I’ve gotten back up. I’ve made few friends, and seem to have lost many. It astounds me how you can be so close to somebody, and then a year later you barely know them. Sometimes they are replaced by someone different, possibly better, and other times an empty void remains inside of you that time doesn’t seem to heal. When I believe that our love is not a ghost, I turn to hope. But is it too late to go back down that road? Children growing up watching TV and observing their family (if their family is together) create this image of “true love” and “happily ever after”. That no matter what, one day you’ll find prince charming and everything will be perfect. Well that may have happened to Cinderella, but I don’t believe it happens to everybody. There are some who have learned to be alone. I have spent many years isolated and alone, sometimes by my choice, but mostly it’s the cards that life’s dealt me. I have tried different relationships but I always tend to ruin it for unknown reasons. They leave me or they fade. Goodbye is a hard word to say when you have a void inside your heart. It’s hard to watch somebody you love walk away, but maybe, true love is letting them go, turning, and walking away to your home where you will sleep, or try to sleep, alone.

When there’s an emptiness inside of a person, they are in great pain until it is filled once again. But when you gave so much of yourself to a person, what could possibly fill that void? Alcohol? Xanax? Heroin? All true. All will fill that void for you and make you forget your problems for a few hours and then BAM! You’re right back where you started, if not lower, with a voided heart once again. I believe sometimes I am too eager to give my heart away. But it is my heart. Not anyone else’s. I need to start looking at myself, set goals for who I want to be, and learn to love myself for who I am, and be content with just me. Maybe one day my princess will waltz right up to me, but as for now, I am not afraid to keep on living and I am not afraid to walk this world alone.

Past is prologue. Every day is a blank page for you to start over and write the chapters of your life. What happened in your past is the past. Leave it there. Start anew.

Enough rambling for tonight. I will write more hopefully when my blood is half alcohol.